Tuesday, 7 November 2017

The OceanMaker

Yesterday our class were learning about what a narrative is and what a narrative needs. Then we had to watch a short animated video and base our story off of that.

What does a narrative need?

  • Beginning
  • Middle
  • End
  • 1st or 3rd Person Point of View
  • Personification
  • Similies
  • Metaphors
  • Problem
  • Solution

Here is the Video -
(Watch until 1:46 then pause it, read my story. Then you can go back and watch the rest.)

This is the Success Criteria -

Name    Laura                                                                  Peer Marker: Chloe
Success Criteria - Narrative
Features of Text
  • I have included a beginning, middle and an end.

  • I have created a setting by showing with my words or using who, what, when & where.

  • I have included a problem & solved it (or created good tension)

  • I have written a satisfying ending.

  • I have written in either 1st person or 3rd person.

  • I have used descriptive language throughout  (sets of 3, alliteration, similes, personification, metaphors) and provided detail to my story.
I tried

  • I have used a range sequencing connectives. (time words or phrases)

My Personal Target/s:
Power words
Sentence Starters

What I think I did well:  I think i did well paragraphing.
What my partner thinks I’ve done well: using big words to de
What I think I need to improve next time: I think next time I need to add more adjectives and interesting words.
What my partner thinks I need to improve next time: maybe  some ISPACE in

Here is my story - 

Today was Tuesday the 13th of May. It has been a dry, tiring day in the desert. Macy was a tall, courageous girl with a bright and bubbly personality. She wasn’t afraid of what might happen on her missions. Instead she was hopeful she would find something mysterious; leading to investigation.
Today Macy was in the middle of nowhere looking for any indications of life. She was flying her plane when she heard puttering noises coming from the failing engine. She had no way of fixing it before the plane crashed. So she pulled out her binoculars and searched the area for a place to land. Her eyes were red from rubbing them. She was exhausted. That’s when a light flickered. Frantically she grabbed her binoculars once again and lifted them up into sight. That was when she saw a lighthouse in the distance. She began to grow hopeful, hopeful of what might be in there or if there’s anything to help her with her mission. At that very moment the light from the lighthouse pointed towards something. She turned around. It was pointing towards a rain cloud.
The thought of seeing rain made Macy pleased because there obviously hadn’t been any rain here for a while. The plane bounded through the sky, that’s when she realised what had happened. The engine had malfunctioned; causing it to crash into a building. She didn’t know what type of building it was until she got out of her plane and looked around. The smoke caused her breathing to be a struggle. Eventually she had made her way out of the cloud of smoke and into the open air. She walked through the sand. Within minutes she realised what building she crashed into. The Lighthouse!
She walks into the lighthouse and begins to investigate the premises. Huge, hairy spiders creeping the stairwells. Waddling up the stairs. She makes her way to the tip of the lighthouse and sees a dog. The dog sprints towards her, pushes her down to the ground and begins to lick her sweaty face. Macy calls the dog and he begins to follow her lead. They walk down the stairs, around the corner and out the door.
Suddenly, the dog sees the big rain cloud. He leaps into the sky and flies over to the cloud. And boom out of nowhere he grabs the cloud with his sharp teeth and drags it over to this big hole where it looks like an ocean used to be.
Thankfully the dog annoyed the cloud so much it began to rain. They were filled with joy!
The End

Thank you for reading my story. It would be very helpful to have feedback on what I did well and what I could improve on.


  1. Kia Ora Laura it is Ruby from Mamaku 1 at Greymain school,
    I really like how you had filled the story with detail and then left it on a cliffhanger so others could write about what they think will happen next. Maybe Next time you could add some more punctuation and maybe a picture.
    Kai Pai
    From Ruby

    1. Hi Ruby,
      Thank you for your positive comment!
      I will use your feedback to make my blog posts better. Did you have a favourite part of my story?


  2. Kia Ora Laura my name is Jazmine and I am from Greymain School in Mamaku Hub.
    I like the way you put the short film of The Ocean Maker it looks really interesting to watch. I like the story that you have written. Is the story fake or real? Have you seen the movie The Ocean Maker or not? I like the way you have put a lot of information into this blog post and the way you write that story. I was a bit scared when I was reading the story!
    By Jazmine.

    1. Hi Jazmine,
      Thank you for your positive comment! This story is fake. I have seen the movie; we actually all watched it as a class and then wrote our own version of it. Do you have any ideas of what I could do to make it better?


  3. Hi Laura my name is adelaide and I am from wigram primary school.I love your wrting and the story.Maybe net time you can tell people what a narritive is because i don't know what a narritive is but other then that I love it.